The Surprising Truth about What's Limiting You

Courtney Elmer  0:00  

Today, we're going to take an up close and personal look at what's keeping you from making the monthly income you want to make in your business. Maybe that's a five figure month, maybe it's a six figure month, maybe it falls somewhere in between. But together, we're going to explore the surprising truths about what's actually limiting you. And I can promise you this, it's probably not what you think. That's all coming up next, right here on the anti fragile entrepreneurship podcast. So stay tuned. 

Courtney Elmer

Globally ranked among the top shows in business and education. We're known for helping overworked online business owners navigate the ups and downs on the way to seven figures. Each week, you're going to learn how to get the right systems structure and support in place. So you can build a self sustaining business that thrives in a rapidly changing digital environment, and grow through what you go through to create the greater income, influence and impact you deserve. This is AntiFragile Entrepreneurship™. 

Courtney Elmer

So a couple of months back, I'm sitting on a plane flying home from a conference where I had just given a talk, this is a big podcasting conference, one of the biggest in the nation, I had just given a talk there. And I'm going through the app that the event organizer had put together for this particular conference. And on this app, everyone who attended the conference was connecting, there were messaging threads, there were event forums, I mean, there was a lot going on inside of this app. So I was part of a few of the messaging threads. And I'm just browsing through. And even though this thread had absolutely nothing to do with the topic that we're talking about here on the show today, there was a question that someone posed at the end of one of their comments that they left in this thread, and that question struck me. And the question was, who limits us?

Courtney Elmer

 Now, I have no idea how this person who was typing this message intended that question, again, it was being spoken in a completely different context. But this question, is a universal question. This question is so powerful, and it's one that we should be asking ourselves on a daily basis as entrepreneurs. Now, if you were to ask yourself that question, who limits me? Your immediate answer might be, well, duh, me, I limit me, I know, I limit me, I limit myself, I hold myself back. It's very logical to think that, in fact, so many gurus today are telling you that, oh, your limiting beliefs are keeping you stuck? Well, yeah, maybe your limiting beliefs are keeping you stuck. But the truth is, the reality is, while you might be the one limiting yourself, because you are acting upon that limiting belief, that does not necessarily mean that you are responsible for that limiting belief. It doesn't necessarily mean that you're the cause of that limitation. 

Courtney Elmer

Think about that for a minute. And when I saw this question, immediately, I felt uplifted and inspired myself, because I'm sitting there flying back from this amazing conference, you know how those conferences can be right? You come back on fire, you're excited, you're energized. You got all of these big ideas. And I'm like, Heck, yeah, who limits us? No one limits us. We can jump in, we can do these things. We can accomplish this stuff this year, right, ready to bring all these ideas back to my team. But upon further reflection of this question, it brought me right back to my early days as a coach. Now, if you're just joining us here on the show, for the first time, you might not know this, but I am an NLP trained coach. I'm a timeline therapy practitioner, I have a background in psychology. And in these early days of coaching, training, many of the questions that we were trained to ask, were designed to help a client recognize what was really keeping them stuck. 

Courtney Elmer

And so often, the thing that they thought was keeping them stuck on the surface was not actually the thing that was keeping them stuck. And chances are, you probably already know this. Most often our limitations come from within, there might be external triggers that help us become aware of what those limitations are, those feelings of stuckness in our business, those feelings of frustration or resistance. When in reality, the thing that's keeping you stuck, is right there in the six inches between your ears. And while on the one hand, we have to take responsibility for what our limiting beliefs are for becoming aware of them for recognizing them for working through them for shifting them. That is your responsibility. That is my responsibility to acknowledge and to work through those limiting beliefs. It doesn't necessarily mean that you caused the limiting belief and that my friend is what we are digging into here today. Now one of the questions that we We were trained to ask at a certain point in the client's process was that once the client identified a limiting belief or a part of a limiting belief, we would simply ask them, according to whom. And what's interesting is that usually, I would go so far as to say 9.999, and nine and nine times out of 10. 

Courtney Elmer

They weren't the ones who were responsible for that limiting belief. Yes, they had developed the limiting belief. But the seed for the limiting belief had been planted by someone else. And I'll give you an example of this in just a moment. But so often, whenever I would ask that question, they would immediately say, Oh, well, my mom always said that, or that's something my dad always told me, or that's just the way it was in my family. And here's the thing, we all carry within us, a set of unspoken rules that we unconsciously live by how we should or shouldn't behave, what we can or can't do, what we are or are not capable of. But we're not necessarily the ones who made up the rules. But when these limiting beliefs were formed on our part, they become literally our modus operandi, our Mo, the way in which we act or react to the situations, the people the circumstances around us. So I'm gonna walk you through an example of this to help take this from concept and theory, down to practical action. Okay, so I want you to think about a time recently where you felt stuck. Call that to your mind right now. 

Courtney Elmer

And I want you didn't notice, what was the circumstance in which you felt stuck? What specifically about that circumstance was causing you to feel stuck? And what are the feelings that you notice that you associate with this circumstance or this situation? Any feelings that you identify with a feeling of stuckness a feeling of anxiety, a feeling of overwhelm? Maybe feeling alone, helpless, any unpleasant emotion that you can identify, notice that now. Now, once you've identified a situation in which you've we're feeling stuck recently, and any unpleasant feelings that you notice, as a result of this situation, I want you to see if you can feel those feelings right now. Make them present, not as if they're a memory of the past. But as if they're present right now you feel that overwhelm. You feel that frustration? You feel that anxiety. Good. Okay. Now, once you have that feeling, hold on to it. And I want you to ask yourself, What's the thought that's preceding this feeling? 

Courtney Elmer

See if you can notice a thought that precedes that feeling? What is the thought? Alright, and once you've identified the thought, you're going to ask yourself another question. What am I making that mean? About Me? And notice the next thought that presents itself. And now I'm going to ask you that eye opening question. Okay. According to whom. So this is a very simple process. But it's a very deep and transformative process. So if you're driving right now, or if you're in the middle of something you're working out at the gym, come back to this episode. And jot down your answers to those questions and jot down what these questions are so that the next time you feel stuck, the next time you feel frustrated, the next time you feel some kind of unpleasant emotion, you can take yourself through this questioning process and get to the root of what's really going on under the surface. So here's an example. Let's say that the unpleasant emotion that you identify was a feeling of frustration. You felt this feeling before you're feeling it again, you feel like you're beating your head against a brick wall, because you just can't figure out whatever it is that you're trying to figure out. And let's say that you notice that feeling that's step number one, right is to notice that you're even feeling that feeling

Courtney Elmer  9:41  

and to ask yourself, Okay, hold on pause. What is the thought that's preceding this feeling? So let's say that you took yourself through this process, you were feeling frustrated, you notice that and you ask yourself that question. And let's say the thought that emerged was, ah, I'm never going to reach my goals in time I will never accomplish What I set out to accomplish in time, I can't get anything done. There's not enough time in a day. Let's say that's the thought that emerged. So once you have that thought, you're going to ask yourself the next question. And what am I making that mean about me? And usually, that meaning will become immediately evident. And let's say for the sake of this example, that you wrote down, gosh, it means I'm lazy. It means I'm not capable of doing what I set out to do here. And then the last question, according to whom. And there it is, write your answer, as to where, and maybe when those limiting beliefs were formed within you.

Courtney Elmer

 And once you gain an awareness of that, from there, you can begin to do the real work of healing. which sometimes means repairing your end of the relationship that you still have with that person and their hold over you in the form of this belief. And it is entirely up to you and entirely within your power and in your control, to release that hold, to release your grip on it. Because guess what, it's not going to just release its grip on you. And that other person, this might have been years ago that this belief was formed. That person may not even be alive anymore. Maybe they're estranged? Maybe they're around, but what good is it going to do to really bring it up with them and blame them, Hey, I just realized that I have this belief, because of the way that you did this thing or that thing. When I was growing up, right? What good is that gonna accomplish? Probably not much, or probably just result in an argument. And here's what's so interesting about this whole process is that so often we're conditioned to think that, well, if that other person doesn't apologize, if they don't reconcile with me, I can't let go of this, they have to let go in order for me to be free. And that's not true. 

Courtney Elmer

Because let's imagine that whoever you identified in that moment, when you ask yourself that question, let's imagine that you're at the top of a cliff. And they're hanging over the side of the cliff. And you're gripping their wrist and they're gripping your wrist, you're hanging on to them, the weight of them is pulling you down, but you're doing everything you can to hang on. That's how our unconscious mind works. Because it's operated by those beliefs for so long. That to let go would feel foreign to let go feels scary. So we hang on, and we hang on and we hang on. Because we think this is the way this is how I've always done it. This is what feels safe. And in our mind, from a logical perspective, we might think, I can't heal without this other person apologizing to me or being involved in this healing process somehow. When the reality is, you're the one clinging to their hand for dear life. Because it's what you've always clung to. But it's exhausting. And it's weighing you down, and it's keeping you stuck. And so logically, you might think, well, they have to let go in order for me to feel free, right? They have to be the one to to let go. So that I can feel free. But no, you can release your grip. And it gives you the same effect. This is powerful stuff. And this is why forgiveness is essential to your growth as an entrepreneur. 

Courtney Elmer

Now I know this is not what the marketing gurus and the business experts are telling you. But this is what I'm here to tell you right now. Because when you forgive without going into the etymology of that word, without going into the background behind what it actually means to forgive. The simplest explanation that I could give you for what happens in that moment when you willingly release another person's grip on you in that act of forgiveness, you're choosing to let go of the hole that they have on you. So you can heal. Forgiveness is not about the other person. Most of us think it is because most of us grew up in households where we were forced to say you're sorry, whenever you did something wrong, we felt shame around that. Or vice versa, where when the other person apologized, we were forced to say, I forgive you, when really we didn't really we felt resentment, really, we felt bitter. So really, as a culture, and as a society, our whole understanding of apologies and forgiveness is so misguided. And I have a lot to say on this topic. And that is an episode for another day. But in a nutshell, forgiveness is not about the other person, so much as it is about you. Forgiveness is the doorway to healing. Because by choosing to forgive something that is within your complete control, and the only thing that is within your control, you can choose to let go of the grip that someone else has on you. And yes, this is something that you have to come to terms with in your own heart. It's the growth through the pain, it's the growth, in spite of the pain, it's the growth because of the pain. 

Courtney Elmer

And I could sit here today and tell you countless stories of pain that people have caused me throughout my life, people who were close to me, people who were supposed to be there for me, people whose job it was to be there for me. But in the end, those people were not the ones hurting I was those people were not holding on to the beliefs that I formed as a result of their actions. I was the one holding on to those beliefs that I had created in order to win their love or their approval or their safety. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done. It's only hurting you to hold on to them. They have no idea. They likely have no clue how they might have hurt you. Would it help if they did no maybe. But I found it far more empowering to recognize that I do not need their willingness or their participation or their permission to let go and do my own healing. And I can tell you when you do this, it's not easy. And I'm not saying that it is it is far easier said than it is done. But when you can identify these beliefs under the surface, and who might have a grip on you still to this day. 

Courtney Elmer

And when you can willingly choose to let that go. You will not recognize yourself a year from now you won't recognize your business a year from now, you won't recognize how you show up as a leader here from now, it will completely transform you. And as a result, your business is going to grow because people are going to be able to connect with you on a far deeper level. They're going to respect you as a trusted leader more. And who knows maybe if the person that you identify is still alive, might even transform your relationship with them in a positive way. It doesn't need to transform the relationship with them in order for you to have the healing. That's what I really want you to understand. But it's possible that a transformation of that relationship could be a natural byproduct of this process. Maybe it will maybe it won't. But wouldn't it be nice if it was? So that's the process. Anytime you notice an unpleasant emotion, here's what you're going to do. You're going to notice what you're feeling. You're going to identify the thought preceding that feeling. What's the thought that preceded this feeling? You're going to recognize the meaning that you're assigning to that thought, what am I making this mean about me? And you're going to find out who it's connected to.

Courtney Elmer  19:43  

According to whom and then you can choose to release your grip and watch the growth happen. Now I will say that even though I've laid out this process and very simple series of depths here, this literally is the process that I take many of my clients through, it can be really helpful to have help from a trained professional, especially when you are starting to look within and look at the layers of yourself, and the pieces and parts of yourself that make up who you are today. And that might also be simultaneously holding you back from the person you're meant to be. So you might seek this help from your therapist, from a skilled coach, who is skilled in these modalities to help you get to the root of these beliefs. I spent years in therapy and I wouldn't trade a single dime that I spent on therapy, and on coaching, and on hiring trained professionals to help me understand the six inches between my ears. Because all the copywriting knowledge, all the marketing knowledge, all the sales knowledge, all the podcasting knowledge, all the course creation and the delivery and the operations knowledge that I have is only one side of the coin. 

Courtney Elmer

Because behind every business, there is a human. And the way that I spell that is h y o u m a n a human behind every business. And without that human, the business is just a business. It's nothing without you. But how can the business grow? If you aren't growing, if you're allowing your limitations to hold you back. The degree to which you allow those limitations to hold you back is the degree to which your business either will or will not be able to grow. So I know I've given you a lot of food here for thought today. And here's why this is so important. And why I really hope that you take this episode to heart is that all the knowledge that I can give you on building an anti fragile business on creating the systems and the structure and the support that you need to scale is only half the battle, it's only going to get you so far. You got to be willing and able to do the work from within, in order to grow without. All right, that does it for today. Thank you so much for joining us for another episode of AntiFragile Entrepreneurship™.

Courtney Elmer

And if you've listened for a while and you like the show, then share this episode with a friend. There is someone out there right now, who needs to hear this message. And you could be the one to share it with them. And they will be forever grateful to you for it. Now, if you love the show, then it would mean a lot to me if you would leave us a review. Even just one sentence helps, because this is how I can ensure that I keep bringing you the kind of content that you want to hear. So all you have to do if you're listening on Apple, scroll down in your Apple app, tap the five stars and write a sentence or two. And let me know how this show and this episode in particular has impacted you. 

Courtney Elmer

And if you want to connect with me personally, come hang out with me on Instagram. I'm over there at the Courtney Elmer. And if you want to learn how to launch a top ranked podcast of your own definitely connect with me on Instagram, because that is where I share most of my content on how to install a podcast as a profitable lead generation system for your business. And I hope that you'll join me back here on the show next week where we're going to explore the ins and outs of landing a TEDx talk, getting you in front of 10s of 1000s of potential new leads at one time on the biggest stage on the planet, I guess is going to walk you through exactly how to do it. So until then, let's commit to go out and grow through what we go through. Together.